Wednesday, 15 May 2013

We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dream.


"You look like you were born to be a Wonka-rer!"

It's always sad when someone you liked as a youngster passes away. It's like losing another piece of innocence. Having said that, given that Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was made in 1971 (three years before I was born), it's inevitable that some of its cast members are no longer with us. Now Aubrey Woods has gone to the great sweetshop in the sky, here's a quick recap of the cast of that classic film. How many of them are still with us?

Gene Wilder (Willy Wonka) - still with us (thankfully)
Jack Albertson (Grandpa Joe) - died 1981
Peter Ostrum (Charlie) - still with us
Roy Kinnear (Mr Salt) - died 1988
Julie Dawn Cole (Veruca Salt) - still with us
Leonard Stone (Mr Beauregarde) - died 2011
Denise Nickerson (Violet Beauregarde) - still with us
Nora 'Dodo' Denney (Mrs Teevee) - died 2005
Paris Themmen (Mike Teevee) - still with us
Ursula Reit (Mrs Gloop) - died 1998
Michael Bollner (Augustus Gloop) - still with us
Diana Sowle (Mrs Bucket) - still with us
Aubrey Woods (Bill, the candyman) - died 2013
David Battley (Mr Turkentine, the teacher) - died 2003
Gunter Meisner (Mr Slugworth) - died 1994
Peter Capell (the tinker) - died 1986
Werner Heyking (Mr Jopeck, the newsagent) - died 1974
Peter Stuart (Winkelmann) - still with us
Dora Altmann (Grandma Georgina) - died 1971, aged ninety
Victor Beaumont (Doctor) - died 1977
Rudy Borgstaller (Oompa Loompa) - still with us (as far as anyone seems to know)
Tim Brooke Taylor (Computer operator) - still with us
George Claydon (Oompa Loompa) - died 1993
Pat Coombs (Mrs Salt) - died 2002
Frank Delfino (Auctioneer) - died 1997
Malcolm Dixon (Oompa Loompa) - still with us 
Stephen Dunne (Newscaster) - died 1977
Michael Gahr (German reporter) - died 2010
Rusty Goffe (Oompa Loompa) - still with us
Kurt Grobkurth (Mr Gloop) - died 1975
Shin Hamano (Japanese candyman) - still with us
Ismed Hassan (Oompa Loompa) - still with us (presumably)
Jack Latham (Newscaster) - died 1987
Franziska Liebing (Grandma Josephine) - died 1993
Gloria Manon (Mrs Curtis) - still with us
Norman McGlen (Oompa Loompa) - still with us
Angelo Muscat (Oompa Loompa) - died 1977
Ed Peck (FBI agent) - died 1992
Pepe Poupee (Oompa Loompa) - still with us
Marcus Powell (Oompa Loompa) - died 2000
Bob Roe (Peter Goff) - still with us
Madeline Stuart (Andrea Durkin) - still with us
Albert Wilkinson (Oompa Loompa) - still with us
Ernst Ziegler (Grandpa George) - died 1974

Thursday, 25 April 2013

People don't necessarily know what's best for them

In case you've never ventured into YouTube (or have been living under some sort of online rock for the last few years), there's an internet personality called Doug Walker, otherwise known as That Guy With the Glasses, who does a series of film and television reviews under the guise of the Nostalgia Critic. Not only does he agree with me about a lot of things (most notably Howard the Duck and Drop Dead Fred), he's also really funny.

Something that did not need to be modernised, updated or otherwise tampered with.

Just recently, he tackled the piss-awful 2003 live action version of Dr Seuss's timeless story The Cat In the Hat, which one critic memorably dismissed as "Mike Myers - asshole in furs". He wasn't impressed.

During his review of said shitstorm, however, things took an unexpected turn. Disgusted by the addition of sexual innuendos, scatology, pop culture references to the source material, Critic entered an extended argument with a producer (appropriately named Soulless) and his market analysts, who bang on about polls, market research, focus groups and so on, claiming that children like dirty jokes, pop culture references and modern slang, because it makes them feel older and connect better with the source material. Critic responds "Have you ever considered the possibility that maybe people don't know what's best for them, and by continually giving them the same crap they'll never know what's different, so they'll just keep ASKING for the same crap?"

Sadly, all hope is lost.

At the end of the review (after a hilariously bleak sequence in which Critic is "broken" by the Cat in the Hat), he warms to his theme, adding "By having grown up humour you make it more childish. By modernising the dialogue you make it more dated. And by changing the source material you show how much you don't respect what's already perfect." He continues "They're stories that helped shape our childhoods, through well thought-out writing, imaginative drawings, and endearing morals. The idea of THIS shaping somebody's childhood, the fact that it even has the same NAME, just makes me sick to my stomach." He then describes the 'updated' Cat in the Hat as "pandering bullshit that will disappear from people's consciousness...with good reason".


Is anyone starting to recognise some parallels here from a more recent and equally ill-received overhaul of some well-respected and fondly remembered source material?


By modernising the dialogue you make it more dated.


 By adding 'grown up' humour, you make it more childish.


And by changing the source material, you show how much you don't respect what's already perfect.

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Some people were born to piss me off.


I think this says it all. James Harvey bought issue one of my comic Breakdown back in 2002. In Poundland Chris Morris mode, he asked for an interview for a non-existent arts magazine, which I granted him. Turns out he just wanted an easy target to take the piss out of on his endlessly scrolling webpage. Funny how easily amused some people are.

To begin with "send insulting letters to cartoonists less talented than themselves". Modest, isn't he?

The kids at primary school didn't get my work? Neither did the kids at middle and secondary school. In fact, I had to explain the jokes to them.

"TC Raymond [that's me, folks] now thought I was his biggest fan" - not at all. "Kept sending me free copies"? I sent him ONE copy of issue two.

And how nice of him to draw an analogy between me and a "German tramp".

Thursday, 11 April 2013

Fully tossed!

It suddenly struck me this morning that I've been reading Viz non-stop for twenty-five years. Haven't missed an issue since February 1988, when the only shop in town that sold it was a pokey little comic shop / video library, and to put things into even greater perspective, that shop coughed its last circa 1996. So I thought I'd better do something to mark this milestone, and what better way than to ransack one of my treasured Viz annuals? Here, then, are some highlights from The Full Toss, first published 1997. Apologies in advance for the poor quality of the scans, but I don't want to completely destroy the binding!


A new face joins the regulars (Roger, Biffa, Sid etc) on the cover - the "thirsty family man", 8 Ace, whose debut appearance is reproduced inside...


You'll notice the turban-wearing Asian shopkeeper has yet to become a regular (if largely silent) character. Also, Octavius Tinsworthy Ace's house is in a slightly less desperate state of disrepair.


This frame from the first 8 Ace Christmas strip captures a delightful family scene.


I like the way this Finbarr Saunders strip begins with a 'meta-reference' to the strip running out of ideas. Viz did this a lot in the nineties - I remember a Roger Mellie strip in which he and his director Tom changed places and spoke each other's dialogue for a few frames, before starting again. In his autobiography Rude Kids, Chris Donald remarks "increasingly, we were taking the piss, but our readers weren't amused". I can't think why, I love this kind of thing!


A great one-off strip from Simon Thorp. I remember this one meeting with a mixed response among my Viz-buying friends - some couldn't see the point, one dismissed it as "crap". What do I like about it? What's not to like about it! The character's name (which brings back memories of the Not the Nine O'Clock News spoof of the Two Ronnies - "We like birds, we're ornithologists, horny, porny, thologists!"), the fact that he looks like one of Ken Dodd's Diddymen, the overall seaside postcard sense of humour, the 1950s look of the dolly birds, the trademark Viz violence (presented here in long shot!) and lines like "It's the male! I think he's going to put on an aggressive display!" just set the whole thing off perfectly.


Matthew Bannister's 'reinvention' of Radio One upset a lot of people - Viz in particular took it very badly, and they decided to air their grievances in a number of features!


The 'Simon Salad-Cream' story contains one of several swipes Viz took at Danny Baker around that time, the most memorable of which was the 'Danny Baker is a TWAT' t-shirt. Again, you can read the full story of Baker and Chris Donald's 'fax war' in Rude Kids.


Cockney Wanker's brother 'Danny Wanker' pays a visit.


One of my favourite ever spoof adverts.


Love the way Simon Thorp draws students. The 'Twat' sweatshirt is a particularly nice touch.

The Viz annuals are fun to collect - and even more fun to read. If you don't own any Viz annuals, shame on you. Get yourself over to Ebay, Amazon or Play and spend the best few quid you'll probably spend all year - you won't regret it!

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Try the trust exercise now, Eric


Here's a comic strip written by Nigel Buckland and drawn by yours truly. Some nice lines in there. Perhaps would have worked better as a television comedy sketch... we'll never know!

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Some of my old lyrics

In the absence of any new artwork to post here, I thought I'd post some lyrics I wrote back in 2007, when I was still toying with the idea of being a 'sensitive' (ugh) singer-songwriter. Not to blow my own trumpet or indeed strum my own guitar, but I reckon they're pretty good.

Radio Daze

At the end of the school day when they opened the doors
He was the first kid to leave the place
He raced alone through the streets trying to clear his mind
Of the hatred and lies and disgrace
He’d throw his books on the bed and lose himself
In the afternoon radio show
And when he really heard music for the first time
He knew the direction that his life should go

He was wishing his childhood away
As ambitions and plans shaped his days
He walked around with his head in the clouds
Hearing nothing but songs through the haze
Like Brown-Eyed Handsome Man and Mystery Train
Sweet Little Sixteen, Peggy Sue and Nadine
Just Walkin’ In the Rain

And while the station’s signal was whistling and weak
The feelings came through loud and clear
Every beat of the drum, every Gretsch guitar strum
Felt like a sweet stolen kiss to the ear

Who’d have thought the scratchy grooves of a 78
Held the key to the hot Texan sun
He taught himself simple chords on a junk shop guitar
Until the race for sixteen was won
He knew the stars he admired were holding mirrors reflecting
The feelings and fears of his youth
He got more from those tracks than he got from his teachers
A simple asset we now call the truth

And while he worked in an office by day
He was living the dream every night
Practised his moves in the bathroom mirror
Until he’d got every one of them right
And if you asked him for his inspiration
He’d look you in the eye and answer you straight
“I can trace it all back to that Friday in late fifty-eight
I had never experienced ecstasy so deep and sublime
As the day when I really heard music for the very first time”

Six String Angel

It was a bloodshot night in a dead end town
And the bright November moon cast a white glow down
On the rain-soaked streets I strayed to after waking up shattered
I heard a sweet voice singing in a sunken tomb
So I pushed past the dogs and the thieves in the room
Saw you shining in the neon beam and nothing else really mattered

I was frozen in your presence, like a moth caught in a flame
In your eyes I saw a spirit no man could ever tame
With your Jetglo Rickenbacker and your deep dark chocolate eyes
The way you moved on that stage just held me hypnotized
All around I could hear rumours, speculation and lies

“She was born in a Midwestern town, both her parents worked for the police
And the more she kicked against the pricks the more her ambition increased
Saw her future stretched out before her in a rock show on TV”
And when she looked my way, the world melted away, leaving just her and me

You could see her, breaking hearts with a simple smile
You couldn’t reach her, you’d got the cash but you had no style
You could hear her, keeping up your private masquerade
But you couldn’t get near her, you’d stagger home alone when the price was paid

”She set up a spot playing Beatles songs outside Madison’s Second Hand Cars
She used to lie on the beach with a pill on her tongue dreaming of the Boulevard
She wrote a few songs for her buddies in bands before she left for bigger things
She knew it wouldn’t be long ‘til she was waiting backstage hearing screaming from the wings”…

She had amethyst eyes, burning like coal
She had porcelain skin, she had a heart of gold
She had the sinful moves, she had the voice of a siren
She had raven curls, she set my cylinders firing

Silk, velvet, lace and leather
She was stepping out in style
As the dry ice curled around her black suede boots
She walked the narrow line between pleasure and pain
With a swagger that would shame Mephistopheles
As she shattered the souls of the suburban punks and suits

”She quit that soul-destroying town when the pain became too raw
Jumped on the back of a Harley, held tight and felt the engine roar
Set her gaze on the glowing horizon, spent her nights on clean sheets and Jim Beam
In five short years the city by the bay was dancing to her beautiful dream”

I turned the radio down, it had nothing to say
I drove through the night looking for somewhere to stay
I found a small hotel, lay down on calico sheets
I heard my thoughts drowned out by my own heartbeat
I grabbed my ’66 Fender and fumbled for an opening riff
She might never hear it but I thought if she did
She could consider my song a gift

Peace Baby

The sun burst into the sky and shone
Like a medal polished to perfection
For the first time in six dark years
On that bright English morning
Beneath crystal blue skies, the flags and the fanfares
And the banners and bunting unfurled
Through the music and laughter
Beat the pulse of a new age dawning

The survivors, the wounded, the battle-scarred
Small town heroes found their way home
And children estranged from their parents
Returned to the fold
When the celebrations ceased they were told to
"Just look to the promising future"
So hundreds of charcoal black secrets
And tales lay untold

And in the uncertain climate
Of a broken land's weakened resources
To a traumatized family came
The gift of a son
Who knew celebration
But nothing of conflict and bloodshed
Just the high expectation
That came now the war had been won

He was told "people died for your future
And don't question the fortunate ones"
Whose eyes told the story
Of the price paid for glory
Who'd traded their welfare for fear
And their lovers for guns

Survival Of the Fittest

Six o’clock in Nova Scotia and you’re running for the train
You’ve got to make it to the station or you’ll miss your charter plane
They serve you cigarettes and coffee with a choice of magazines
But you close your eyes and focus on potential movie scenes
With actors playing all the people that you’ve known
You’re dreaming deep when the detective takes the phone
And hears the news of your departure from the stranger with a scar
He’d bribed to stop you meeting your contact in Panama

And it’s a never-ending ride you have to take
And there’s no room for lousy timing or mistakes
And you know it can’t be long until your precious thread of sanity finally breaks

The survival of the fittest is the game you’ve got to play
Only the strongest will survive, maybe it’s always been that way
You can’t move until you think it through, be careful what you say
The survival of the fittest will continue until your dying day
Now you’re hiding in a garret somewhere in Europe, so I’m told
You’re posing as a starving writer, lonely, broke and freezing cold
But you open up your briefcase and your face begins to shine
From the precious glowing rubies as you sip your English wine
Take the long way back and hide your growing pain
The gentle ticking of a timebomb in your brain
If you thought too much about it, you would surely go insane
Two hours of sweet repose, then you’re on the road again…

There’s a place, I know a place
You’ll find yourself relaxing, winding down where nobody knows your face
There’s no disgrace
In cooling down between appointments, taking time to drop out of the race

New York City Night

Outside my window a bus makes its way through the snowstorm
The TV in the corner’s tuned into the six o’clock news
The smell of linguini is heavy and sweet in the hallway
As I pocket my dead presidents and I lace up my shoes
I hail a ballpark mustard-coloured cab as it stalls on the corner
The driver’s tapping the dashboard in time with a song
About Hollywood nights and the kings of the black and white movies
Drifting out of the speakers and inviting him to sing along
I duck inside a cellar bar and I order a whisky
There’s a blue neon sign on the door and a strong smell of sin
The waitress smiles at the welcome sight of a stranger
And I can’t help feeling she’s been waiting too long to give in
She pops a top and we talk over cold beer and French fries
About family values turned bad and her need to escape
She tells me she’s still waiting for a call from the boss at the Blue Note
Two years after mailing him a photo and a demo tape

There’s a kaleidoscope of madness on the street outside
For every heartbroken waster there’s a black-eyed bride
For every good luck charm there’s a secret to hide
So deep inside…

Back in my hotel I call up the desk for a nightcap
The porter brings brandy and Canada Dry on a tray
I drain the bottles and stare rheumy-eyed at the late show
And I fall into slumber as the last amber lights melt away

Another Friday Night

On the street of broken promises, the usual crowd appear
With their used car styles and their second-hand smiles
As another Friday night draws near
With her back to the crowd in a soul food bar, a bright young thing stands tall
Playing pinball and drinking down her sorrows and thinking
How she’ll ever rise above it all

Another Friday night and the telephone rings
It brings another disappointment that burns and stings
Trying to make amends with our backs against the wall
Another Friday night and the world slowly falls apart
Who wants to know or care about another broken heart
As one by one you watch your heroes fall
And you know it makes no difference after all
In the men’s room next to the pool sharks, another killer deal goes down
And this time tomorrow one family’s sorrow means another pinky ring for some clown
Outside in the alley Sally’s gravel-kneed, saying prayers in the rain for a trick
While Suzy finishes her game and thinks it’s all insane how the big city got so sick

Well, maybe the city’s not to blame, but society is
Maybe it’s a crying shame, she’s worth better than this
Maybe she should bare her soul, instead of just baring her chest
But brains don’t sell the Sunday papers, and talent’s not enough to impress




Friday, 5 April 2013

Spike Milligan on DVD - There's NOT A Lot Of It About


Everybody remembers Spike Milligan's Q series, but what about his last BBC series, There's A Lot Of It About?

I remember watching an episode whilst on holiday in Ingoldmells when I was about eight and not having a bloody clue what it was all about, only that it was making me laugh harder than anything I'd seen since the Goodies called it a day. 

One of the reasons There's A Lot Of It About was so good - Spike was joined on writing duties by the super-talented Andrew Marshall and David Renwick, fresh from Whoops Apocalypse, not to mention the brilliant "answering the question before last" Mastermind sketch on the Two Ronnies, and who would later go on to write Hot Metal, Assaulted Nuts, the Steam Video Company and Alexei Sayle's Stuff. With these two young guns on board, the classic sketches came thick and fast.

"Where did the ancient Britons find the clay to build the bricks to make Stonehenge?" (Cue Milligan as David Attenborough going all over the world in various 'luxury' locations with a semi-naked Linzi Drew on his arm, just to screw the BBC out of bigger and bigger expenses)

Unemploymentathon - genius, I tell you - "Mutter mumble mutter mutter BOOBS GAG!" "Oh Dick, twitter twitter giggle giggle and anything other than worky-poos!"

Bondage - "a programme of minority interest to everybody"

Lose Your Furniture - not even the Pythons' 'Spot the Braincell' did a game show parody THIS cruel!

Laugh At A Cretin - "featuring somebody you've never heard of, and somebody else you have heard of but wish to God you hadn't" - followed by a hand shadow artist showing scenes of "life on a Sussex farm" - cue shots of a well-endowed brunette on his 'screen'...televisual anarchy at its finest.

The impressionist who turns himself into the sea... for Christ's sake, who else but Milligan could get away with a static shot of a beach with an Irish voice saying "I can't get back to normal, I'm stuck!" Also contained the gag about "My husband suffers terribly from the ships" "Pardon?" "The ships!" (Complete with caption SHIPS)

"Ah Mrs Two-Wonderful-Things. I came as soon as I got your measurements!"

A fantastically fucking bleak parody of the Holiday programme, with a bunch of starving shipwreck victims on a floating raft singing "We're all going to die, we're all going to die"... and a chirpy Judith Chalmers type commenting on it all...

"This is BBC2. Spike Milligan died earlier today. We are showing a George Formby film as a tribute"...at which point Spike jumped through the film screaming "STOP! I may be dead but I still have my pride!"

Musical submarine sandwich gag / policeman trying to mug a cash dispenser / Billy Connolly commentating on the suicide of a BBC programme planner / suppository tester sketch / "Why do your glasses have no lenses in them?" "Because I have perfect eyesight"...

There's A Lot Of It About was broadcast in the year 1982, the BBC's sixtieth anniversary. I say a repeat is long overdue. (And I mean full repeats, not the revised repeats from 1985 and 1989.)

Shockingly, not everyone would be as chuffed as me to watch Spike's old shows on BBC4, or on DVD... or anywhere else. Comedy "expert" (cough) Jem Roberts had this to say about There's A Lot Of It About on a comedy discussion forum...

"I watched them recently and they were appalling – the kind of show you had to pause and go for a walk every five or ten minutes just to get through an episode. Like most of Milligan's TV work, it brought self-indulgence to a level simply never seen on TV, before or since. And, again like most of SM's TV stuff, it was infuriating because it was about 10% fantastically inventive wit, amongst the gratuitous nudity and mindless gurning."

He goes on to say "I've seen hours and hours of Q, and it just makes me want to kill... Every time I watch – sorry to say it – any Spike Milligan TV show, venerating the man in theory, I'm always reminded of David Baddiel's attitude to blow jobs. You know it's supposed to be great, but feel nothing." Quoting the smug and painfully unfunny Baddiel to bolster your own wrong-headed opinions on a genuine comedy innovator? Nice going, Jem. You twat.

Anyway. You are cordially invited to enjoy a whole episode of There's A Lot Of It About on YouTube!